The false teacher

Good Morning,
I am your Teacher.
My name is Master Ho-Sun.
In English I am known as Steve.
However, in here I am Master Ho.
I am a reincarnation of Master So-Hum.
So.
Ho.
Hum.

Good Morning,
I am pleased to meet you all.
This is my class, and you are all most welcome.
I am sorry if you find me a little tense today,
But I have financial problems.
We all do.
Ho ho.
So.
Hum.
If you could pay me now I would be most grateful -
Perhaps even a few dollars more, if you can afford it.

Good morning.
Let us start with our warm-up exercises.
Some of you haven’t done this sort of stuff before,
But never mind.
Put your legs on the bar and stretch until you hear the joints crack -
The cracks, please.
This is a good warm-up.
Use maximum force,
There is no need for sophistication:
That is for more advanced students.

Good morning.
Our first exercise today is bowing.
Stand facing your partner,
And bow,
Now turn and bow to me.
This exercise is about superiority -
Juniors always bow to seniors,
But seniors have no need to bow
As they do not need to learn so much.
When we meet in the park you will bow to me,
And I shall call you Student,
And you shall call me Master.
That is all.

Good morning.
Some of you have questioned my credentials.
Let me tell you that I have studied for many years in China -
I was there with many, many Masters.
I can tell you all their names,
But it would mean nothing to you.
Each Master said I was the best student he’d ever had.
When I had finished with each of them
I thanked them,
Then bade them goodbye.
They were very sorry to see me go -
Heartbroken.
‘That funny Englishman!’ they said -
Or so I was told.
Some of their students had been there for decades,
But knew nothing, nothing that I could see anyway.
I was very grateful to them all,
But they had nothing to teach me.
Now I must teach you.

Good morning.
Today we are studying loyalty.
You must all be loyal students
Just like I was a loyal student.
Until I left my masters
I was the most loyal student each of them had had.

Good morning.
I am pleased to see you all.
One of my students has said that you seem lifeless.
I am surprised -
You do not seem lifeless to me.
A top teacher attracts top students,
And therefore you must be top students,
For I am a top teacher.
It is very strange.

Good morning.
Today we are doing move 10 of the Form.
Each day we have learnt a new move,
And today we are on move 10.
The Old Masters would spend a lifetime on these 10 moves,
But they were fools.
There is no need -
Each day we learn one move,
And in 10 days we will have learnt 10 moves.
That is My Way.

Good morning.
Let us talk about diet today.
I have heard it said that what goes into the body
Affects the body’s health.
Well, this may be true in China,
But not in England.
Here you can eat what you want -
Our Western nutritionists have found no cause for alarm
In fizzy drinks, meat or refined foods.
In fact, quite the opposite.
Our Western scientists have found they are full of calories.
I thoroughly recommend eating meat and lard,
Butter, cheese, sugar, eggs, milk and white bread,
Whilst drinking fizzy drinks, alchohol and coffee.
Try drugs if you wish – they open up the mind.
Diet is not that important -
The body can cope with whatever you throw in it.

Good morning.
Some of you are asking about the ‘Life Force.’
The ‘Life Force’ is only in books,
And is a philosophy.
I have read the books and know the philosophy.
I can teach you all about the ‘Life Force’ -
It is of great interest to me
Because I am a teacher.
However, the ‘Life Force’ is only theory,
And has little practical value.
The Old Masters were tricksters -
It was all a con,
And they used their muscles.
See ?
Plant your feet and use your weight.
I find it very easy.
There is no sophistication in what they were doing -
You have all been fooled.

Good morning.
We are near the end of our course now.
Today we are studying self-discipline.
You must understand self-discipline in order to improve.
However, self-discipline is a flexible concept,
In MY system we are more advanced -
Self-discipline is only for those that need it most,
Not for those that don’t.
You must do as I say,
Not as I do.
Aspire to be like your teacher :
One day you too will be able to rise above self-discipline.

Good morning.
Today is the last day of the course.
Today we study meditation.
I have heard it said that meditation is only for those with high energy
But this is nonsense.
We can all meditate -
It will not drain you,
Because with a good teacher you are safe.

I am a good teacher, and you have nothing to fear.