Short silly poems

I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU PICK YOUR NOSE

I love you when you pick your nose,
I love you when you fart -
A love like this must surely
Be coming from my heart.

I love you when you shout at me,
I love it when you swear;
A love like this must surely
Show you that I care.

I love you when you're moody,
I love you when you're gross;
A love like this can only
Mean that we are close.

VARIETY

We're so blind we cannot see
The beauty in variety:
It has to be explained away
As something that will one day pay.

Oh! If only we had brains
Not trapped in narrow, winding lanes,
And spirits that could touch the sky -
Oh! If we could fly!

CAT SONG

The cat was proud, it's neck was long,
It played a howly, wincey song
That struck the neighbours in the head -
They wished the bastard cat was dead.

CONCEPT POETRY

I commissioned her
To write a poem.

She wrote it,
I sold it:

Concept Poetry.

TESTOSTERONE MAN

Testosterone man lives at high pace,
So big, so strong, seems such a waste
Soon dead, soon gone :
Seems such a shame he doesn't last too long.

MEDITATION

'I meditate,' he said,
'Burn up my energy to flee the world,
Short-circuit the system -
Get a buzz,
Heal myself.'

Sure.

A flat battery's no use to anyone.

WALLFLOWER

Ah well, sweet peas
Let us tremble at the knees,
No one knows my name -
Now isn't that a shame?

MY NEIGHBOURS

Oh, my neighbours say,
'Look at those clothes he's wearing today!'

But I say -
It's easier to change on the outside.

OUT OF SORTS

I was a little bit bored and so I found myself a life (of sorts)
With a wife of sorts (ow, she just hit me !)
And then I found myself out of sorts
With my wife of sorts
And my life of sorts -
Kind of a thought
(Of sorts).

Being a Man

Being a man
Being a man's O.K,
But the raging horses are a nuisance:
You can't let them run wild
Or they'll tear you apart,
And if you coral them
They respond by kicking the fence down -
So all that's left is to get with the good woman
And let her tame the beasts.

2/7/00

UMBRELLA SONG

My umbrella is protection
From all sorts of frightening things :
I shield my face from your harsh gaze
And all the woes life brings.

ENGLISHMAN

The bearded wonder's furry face
Is an excellent hiding-place
For the man who cannot cope -
And really hasn't got a hope.

MY CAT

I was looked after by a cat once -
It didn't run me over in its car
Or yowl and howl at me
As I tripped in its path,
Nor did it slam the door in my face when I begged for food
Or throw cold water over my copulating misdeeds,
Or swear when I crapped on its lawn.

I could tell it was a good cat and so I stayed.

Now, aged 95 or so (10 cat years)
I patrol groggily on its lawns and crocus-beds,
Frighten off small children (just for the hell of it)
And am pleased to yodel pleasingly at 4 o'clock in the morning.

Today, however, I am off to the vets -
And I won't be coming back.

My cat has been a good cat.

EYE

We have a little laser
That will cut around your eye,
And if you're very lucky
You'll be seeing by and by.

The surgeons are quite clever
And have done this stuff before -
But I think that I should warn you
Of a tiny little flaw.

Your eye will keep on changing
As you keep on getting old,
And your chopped up little eyeball
Will need a new remould.

And as they scar you once again -
Just before you go quite blind -
Check the surgeons' glasses
To see what was on their mind.