Short sarcastic poems
THE MINOR FURTHER EDUCATION TEACHER
The bullshit expert's purple prose
Stopped me in the street:
The keen eyes of the committee man,
The steel mind of the political climber,
Expert at knotted speech -
Thus has evolution solved a problem,
By finding Devious Man a niche.
I was asking this guy for a favour and he turned on the bullshit. A genuinely 'important' person wouldn't have needed to pour crap all over me.
ELVIS
My name is Elvis, you've met me,
I'm proud of my identity -
My personality was thin:
I had to throw it in the bin.
In my twenties I came across a lot of very inadequate young men who without fail would call themselves Elvis.
THE POISON TOOK ME BY SURPRISE
The poison took me by surprise,
I hadn't seen it in her eyes -
She didn't hesitate at all,
Just chopped and turned, then watched me fall.
What bitterness made her so mad
And ready with the easy stab ?
What need to kick a stranger's face
And put me, helpless, in my place?
This woman stabbed me with her words.
BOOK
Their Book was Truth, their Book was Told,
Not only that, their Book was Old.
Any religious book under the sun - they're all old, they're all The Only Truth, they all tell their followers in no uncertain terms how to behave
LIFE
When I was 8
Someone pushed me into a hedge
And when I was 15 someone I didn't know
Spat at me:
And when I was in between and all around
I was in between and all around
But most of the time just plain frightened and lonely,
And these things are meant to do you some good -
And what I'd like to know is
Did they ?
Because if not
I want my money back.
Short poem about the confusion and mess of early life
It's Somebody Else's Turn - or Pax America Bye Bye
Amazing how every country in the world had it's Empire.
There's Egypt, of course,
And Rome -
Turkey,
Britain,
France,
Spain,
Those Viking types,
And the Greeks (remember them ?)
The Aztecs and Mayans and Incas,
India,
Germany (had a go),
And no doubt Africa has had its' conquerors
(Mali, Ghana, Songhai ?) -
Japan's been there, of course,
And Persia (Iran),
Crete,
The Arabs (whose Islam brought:
Optics, Music, Medicine, Chemistry, Mathematics, Astronomy
And a civilisation more tolerant than Christianity),
China
Russia
And now it's Pax America -
So tell me, America, will YOU be leaving behind culture and wisdom,
Or just a string of burnt-out McDonalds in a concrete desert,
A remembrance of arrogance, meddling and indifference
And a world struggling to recover from your foreign affairs ?
Because it's somebody else's turn now, Uncle Sam,
And if you're ever going to do the right thing
(Looking after the world instead of destroying it)
Then you'd better get off your backside and start doing it now.
Every child in the class gets their few minutes at the front.
MEETING
I didn't like him, he didn't like me -
I have no idea why that should be.
One of those occasions when you meet someone formally and take an instant dislike to each other
A POET'S LIFE
A poet's life is not half bad,
In fact it is a little sad -
Sat in front of reams of paper,
Eating now, then eating later
It can be quite fun sitting on my arse and stuffing my face
LIFE 2
If life is but a dream
Why is it that I want to scream ?
And if instead a nightmare,
Who was it said - 'Put that one there?'
Who said I had to be born?
LONELY
I'm lost and lonely,
You're my friend :
I've found my clique,
Now there's an end.
My experience of being the only man in a nursery - the lonely women made friends then found a clique and no longer wanted to know
WIFE
I'm not really mindless,
But my husband is a fool :
To keep him sweet I shut my face,
Don't talk to men at all.
That nursery again, and women shutting off their faces so that their husbands couldn't accuse them of anything. Their husbands must be distrusting fools.
CAR BOY
This is my car, I like it a lot -
It's meaning you see, my existence is not:
My friends like my car, they like what they see -
They see my car, so they see me.
Certain types of young men who are desperate to belong and desperate for an identity
Poor Young Men
Poor young men.
Driven by sexual hunger,
They watch the girls in the streets,
The way they walk,
Imagine them undressed and lying beneath them,
See them - in their minds eyes - in the shower,
Naked and wet and slippery,
Covered in soap.
Poor young men.
Their culture says 'NO!'
And the religion they half-believe in says 'NO!'
And so they try - at first -
Seducing those other women who belong outside their world,
Who they can later despise, and call loose, immoral,
Treat as dirt,
Not tell their mothers about,
And pretend that nothing - really - ever happened with.
Poor young men.
It doesn't work,
And as they eye the women with hunger
Their hunger turns into a rage,
A furious, incandescent anger
(Well, it had to go somewhere)
And they begin to insult the women they see -
'Slags!' they scream in their sexual frustration,
'Whores!' they shout out,
Furious at their unsatisfied desires,
'Immoral!' they scream as their loins burn,
'Bitches!'
This isn't really enough,
And so to get closer,
And to show how much they hate women
(Loose women)
They join the Religious Police.
Poor young men.
Now they can stare and peer,
Insult
And maybe even swear in holy anger,
Now they can get up close and critical and intrusive -
Dirty talk, really, but legitimised,
And noone can question them.
Poor young men.
Some go for physical contact,
The slapping and tearing off of clothes in righteous rage,
Whilst the most daring even insist on high-minded
Strip-searches.
Poor young men.
Poor. poor young men !
Young men in the religious police.
F***DBRTAIN.COM
The trains don't run on time
(The trains don't run at all),
They've privatised our breathing -
They say our Britain's Cool.
Our letters come at tea-time,
Some Fat Cats on the make -
If you meet our Dearest Leader
Give him a little shake.
Privatised insanely,
Our Britain's nearly dead -
I wish someone would privatise
This anger in my head.
Our Dear Leader is helping Britain to be completely privatised i.e. well and truly screwed up
The Chicken-Hawk
The chicken-hawk is flightless,
Running on scared little feet;
Yellow-bellied, it doesn't soar,
But pecks cravenly at the ground,
Its loud and coarse voice
Calling fire down on its enemies
As it scratches and tears at all who dare oppose it
In the great Fight
It leads from the back.
The chicken-hawk is a Leader
Of Young Boys with Guns,
A brave and fearless warrior
Rewriting history in the image of the films it saw
When itself lying low in a padded nest
Far from the sounds of War.
Do not be deceived by the Chicken-Hawk;
Its words mean nothing but fear and terror,
And its cunning brings only despair.
Think of a President and Vice-President
I MET A LITTLE DOG
I met a little dog
On the bottom of my shoe -
Hello little doggy,
How do you do your poo?
I'm sure you can explain
This colour by your diet :
Was it also on the tin
When your owner went to buy it ?
Why are your turds so squishy
When I bring them home inside :
What was it in your dishy
And was it well before it died ?
All these little calling cards,
Scattered all around -
Has no one ever told you
Not to leave them on the ground ?
If only your poor owner
Had the brain power of a flea -
They wouldn't leave these messes
Lying around for me.
I'm not so keen on stepping in dog shit
DOGGY
For every dog upon the road,
Doggy leaves a little load:
Yet every manic doggy owner
Claims a perfect little Rover.
Seems every doggy turd I step in
Is a figment of my imagination;
And every mess upon my carpet
Is ANOTHER little doggy's shit.
So give us DNA testing,
Microchip the dog's intestine,
Give us decent doggy owners
(Better still, shoot all England's Rovers).
But nothing ever will be done
Since no government wants the fun
Of being voted out of office
For sake of Rover's unstopped orifice.
Another little poem extolling the wonder and beauty of dogs
PEOPLE WHO ARE SKILLED AT BENDING THE LAW
People who are skilled at bending the law earn oodles of money
And we call them barristers.
People who are skilled at breaking the law earn nothing
And we call them crooks.
People who are skilled at observing people who are skilled
Laugh behind their backs
And quite honestly see no difference.
There's illegal crime and there's legal crime
COLLEAGUES
Dear colleagues, thank you for your efforts:
In this store we praise you more,
But please - dear colleagues - don't forget
Your place
Or you'll be tret
As EX-colleagues.
There's now a trend among supermarkets to call their powerless drones 'colleagues'
PHYSIOS
We are physiotherapists,
We walk around in twos -
We also get to wear
Extremely trendy shoes.
We are physiotherapists,
We drift around all day -
And when we've finished drifting
We go and collect our pay.
We are physiotherapists,
We live in dream-time land -
Fortunately for physiotherapists
Supply's less than the demand.
One of the cushiest jobs in UK hospitals.
CLIQUE
I couldn't have put it better myself
Were it not that I didn't know,
What it was they said about me,
And why I had to go.
I couldn't have put it better myself,
How I didn't know
What it was they were talking about
And why I had to go.
Cliques! You see them talking about you and just KNOW that you're being accurately dissected - but you don't know what they're saying.
GREAT AFRICAN DICTATOR
Now here's a little funny thing,
That that Great African Dictator
Was once a freedom loving
Fighter
But now has become
Torment Under The Sun
Tut-tut
Torment under the
S -
Sun
Tut-tut
Torment Under The
S -
Sun
Tut-tut
Torment Under the Sun -
Tut-tut
Torment Under the Sun
Tut-tut
Torment under the sun
Tut-tut
Sssssssssssss..............
|
