THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA (THE ALTERNATIVE VERSION)

Once a Prince began to look
In every cranny, every nook
Of his wealthy, magic land
For a Princess who was Grand -
Beautiful and perfect,
Wonderful and nice,
Somebody in fact
Without a single vice.
(Now anyone who's grown up will stop and mutter, 'Strewth!'
For anyone who's grown up will know this simple truth -
That it's an awkward fact of life
That partners always bring you strife!)

Still, the Prince was just a Prince,
And Princes are quite young,
And being just a Prince
The Prince was still quite dumb.

'I want a wife! I want her now!
I don't want an ugly, faceless cow -
I want someone with lovely hair
And skin like blossom, pink and fair,
Someone who dances through the night,
Not an elephantine fright!
Someone with lips to kiss me GOOD,
Just like a proper princess SHOULD!
Where are you, darling?
Please come here!
I want to hold you tight and near!"

At which the Queen, the Prince's Mum,
Scowled and frowned and chewed her thumb,
And muttered blackly, "What should be done!?
This boy's just focussing on FUN!
Whilst real Princesses are quite plain,
But equally are very sane,
And manage babies, balance books,
Control the castles, boss the cooks
And all in all are Superstars -
My boy's deluded, lives on Mars!"

Well, the Prince was full of bravado,
And galloped off to Have A Go,
Yelling far and yelling near,
"Where are you sweetheart, petal, dear?!
I need a Princess, need a wife,
Someone to enhance my life!
I need a beauty, need a dream,
Someone to complement my team!"

Then out they came in crowds, in throngs,
Singing lovely girly songs,
Screaming, shouting, "We love you!
Our love is golden, it is true!"
Until the dancing, gurning hordes
Had to be beaten back by swords
(Though strangely nearly all those slain
Were not the pretty, just the plain.)

"Hmm," the Queen thought to herself,
"This isn't good for that boy's health,
The Prince is not that bright I'm sure
And doesn't know that girls who're poor
Behave in ways that are quite bad,
Which (being rich) makes me quite sad."

And so the Prince was forced back home,
Allowed no more to stray, to roam,
And locked himself inside his room,
And sank into the deepest gloom.

The Queen was thoughtful for a while,
Until at last, with careful smile,
She placed an Ad. on lots of doors,
Asking for some help with chores:
"Low pay, hard work, no fun at all,
If this is YOU give me a call!"

Of course, instead of crowds of girls,
Grinning, made-up, golden curls,
A barefoot wraith appeared one night,
Greasy hair, wan in the light,
And wiped away her snot to say,
"I'll work for 18 hours a day!"

The Queen was pleased, the Prince pissed-off,
The Wraith glad of warmth, to ease her cough,
And after baths to clear her nits
Was sent to clean the Royal glitz.
"There's plenty there for you to do - and can you make a decent stew?
There's clothes to darn now, shoes to mend -
You're going to be a Royal godsend!"

Oh, how she laboured, how she worked,
There was no job that that Wraith shirked,
Struggling on from day to day
With little thanks and zero pay.
You'd think the Prince would cotton on,
But when everything was said and done,
The Prince was stuck in fantasy,
And blinkered, blind - just couldn't see.

"Ho hum!" the Queen said, "Here's a trick -
My son is obviously thick -
I'll find a bed, and place a pea
Under mattresses (thirty three),
Until she's delicate, I hope -
My son's an ignorant, skiving dope!"

"Come here" she told the girl, "and sleep,
Upon that towering mattress heap,
And tell me what you feel next day,
And just how comfortably you lay."

The wraith climbed up a ladder tall,
Feeling stupid, feeling small,
And snored her way through one long night
To tell the Queen, "It felt just right!"

"I see," the Queen said, "Carry on,
There's all the washing up not done -
Prince! It's your turn now, so get up there!
Let's see if YOU sleep without care!"

Reluctantly the Prince climbed high,
And flopped in bed with a huge sigh,
But couldn't sleep a blasted jot
Because of that darned pea-sized dot.

The next morning - bruised black and blue -
He swore he'd cried the whole night through,
But now the Queen was acting tough
Because she'd seen more than enough.

"When SHE can't sleep upon a pea
Under mattresses (thirty three!)
Then YOU can have a decent snooze,
Or be a pauper - you must choose!

No choice: the Prince was fond of money,
Which kept his life bright, fun and sunny,
And so with gritted teeth began
To change into a Brand-New Man.

He scrubbed the floors, he fed the cat,
He washed the windows, beat the mat,
Cleaned the cookers, brushed the stairs,
Neatly rearranged the chairs,
Dusted, polished, hung up clothes,
Even baked some decent loaves,
Found a book on 'How to Sew,'
Gave that and 'Meals for 6' a go,
Whilst all the while the Wraith was fed
On butter, olives and white bread,
And rested in an easy chair,
Rebraiding her long soft brown hair
Until - one day - she tried to sleep
Upon that pile of bedding deep
And found she couldn't - just one pea
Had ruined her skin completely.

"All right," the Queen said, "Lesson Done -
I hope you're Wiser now, my son -
I'll leave it up to you
To decide what you should do."

The Prince stretched wide his weary arms,
And looked towards the wraith's new charms:
"Make my bed, and do it fast!
I'm free again, I'm off at last!
To roam around, to meet some girls,
Preferably with golden curls -
I've learnt that work is not my scene,
And money makes this rich Prince mean!"

And off he went, and so did she,
And both lived apart, unhappily.

August 2005