THE FALSE TEACHER

Good Morning.
I am your Teacher.
My name is Master Ho -
In English I am known as Steve the builder.
I am a reincarnation of Master So-Hum.
Ho.
So.
Hum.

Good morning.
Let us start with our warm-up exercises.
Some of you haven't done this sort of stuff before,
But you will learn.
Put your legs on the bar and stretch until you hear the joints crack -
Use maximum force,
There is no need for sophistication -
That is for more advanced students.

Good morning.
Our first exercise today is bowing.
Stand facing your partner,
Then bow,
Now turn and bow to me.
This exercise is all about seniority.
Juniors always bow to seniors.
Seniors do not need to bow,
As they have less to learn.
When we meet in the park you will bow to me,
And I will call you Student,
And you can call me Master.
Thankyou.
That is all.

Good morning.
Some of you have been asking about my past.
Let me tell you that I have studied for many years in China.
I was there with many, many Masters.
I can tell you all their names
But it would mean nothing to you.
Each Master said I was the best student he'd ever had.
When I had finished with each of them
I thanked them,
Then bade them goodbye.
They were very sorry to see me go.
Heartbroken, in fact.
'That funny Englishman!' they said -
Or so I was told.
Some of their students had been there for decades,
But knew nothing (that I could see, anyway).
I was very grateful to them all,
But they had nothing more to teach me
And so I had to go.
Now I must teach you all.

Good Morning.
You are all most welcome.
I am sorry if you find me a little tense today,
But I have financial problems.
If you could pay me now I would be most grateful -
Perhaps even a few dollars more, if you could afford it -
You have to pay more for a good teacher.
Thankyou.

Good morning.
I am very pleased to see you all today.
One of my students has mentioned that some of you are lifeless.
I am surprised -
You do not seem lifeless to me.
A top teacher attracts top students,
And therefore you must be top students
Because I am a top teacher.
It is strange.
You must make sure you are full of life.

Good morning.
Let us talk about diet today.
I have heard it said that what goes into the body
Affects the body's health.
Well, this may be true in China,
But not here in England.
Here you can eat what you want.
Our Western nutritionists have found no cause for concern
In fizzy drinks, meat or refined foods.
In fact, quite the opposite -
Our Western scientists have found that they are full of calories.
I thoroughly recommend eating meat, lard,
Butter, cheese, sugar, eggs, milk, white bread,
And that you drink fizzy pops, alchohol and coffee.
Try drugs too, if you wish - they open up the mind.
Diet is not important -
The body can cope with anything you throw at it.

Good morning.
Some of you have been asking about the 'Life Force.'
The 'Life Force' is in books,
And is a philosophy.
I have read the books, and know the philosophy.
I can teach you all about the 'Life Force.'
It is of great interest to me
Because I am a teacher.
However, the 'Life Force' is only theory,
And has little practical value.
The Old Masters were tricksters -
It was all a con
And they used their muscles.
See ?
Plant your feet and use your weight like I do.
There is no sophistication in what they did -
You have all been fooled.

Good morning.
Today we are studying loyalty.
You must all be loyal students
Like I was a loyal student.
Until I left each of my masters
I was the most loyal student each of them had had.

Good morning.
We are nearing the end of our course
And today we are studying self-discipline.
You must practice self-discipline in order to improve.
However, self-discipline is a flexible concept.
In MY system we are more advanced -
Self-discipline is only for those that need it.
Do as I say,
And not as I do.
Aspire to be like your teacher:
One day you too will be able to rise above self-discipline.

Good morning.
Today we are doing move 11 of the Form.
Each day we have learnt a new move,
And today we are on move 11.
The Old Masters would spend a lifetime on these 11 moves,
But they were fools.
There is no need.
Each day we learn one move,
And in 11 days we have learnt 11 moves.
This is My Way.

Good morning.
Today is the last day of our course
And we are studying meditation.
I have heard that meditation is only for those with high energy
And a lot of skill.
This is nonsense!
Everyone can meditate
And it will not drain you.
With a teacher like me you are COMPLETELY safe.

Thankyou for attending my course. I hope we will meet again.